The Garden Filled With Weeds

Movie Reviews, ACG and Cosplay Discussion, or just any rambling topics that come to my mind.

I Think I Have Minor Depression January 12, 2014

I didn’t go to a psychiatrist, I don’t know is it actually necessary.

It’s not completely unfamiliar to me, I’ve been through things like this in the past.

The first time I realise I might have a minor depression is when I heard people talking about it on the TV, and I seemed to have matched quite a number of the symptoms.

It’s not like something big happened in my life, no one was hurt, I didn’t lose anyone, I didn’t completely ruin anything serious, or have anything serious ruined for me.

Life is pretty peaceful and normal, nothing to freak out anyone.

A moment ago I was still hanging out with my friends, the next, right after I left them, I start to cry on the bus.

I can blame it on stress, but I know it’s probably not just that.

It might have started when some people I believed were my friends in school left me for another new group of friends.

Might have started when a huge problem came up in my assignment at the very last minute before submission.

Might have started when I did not get what I want in school, while other people have gotten it with ease.

This feels like being pulled into quicksand, sometimes I feel like I’m out of it, sometimes I feel like I’m being pulled back into it, it’s not exactly consistent.

The biggest problem with this, is that I have no idea how to explain it to people.

People could come up to ask me ‘what’s wrong’, while I myself don’t have an absolutely certain answer.

Even if I told them all the reason I thought could be causing this, they are just going to sound trivia.

I’m afraid of being called overly sensitive.

People telling me I’m just bad at coping with stress.

That I’m just making a big fuss out of small matters.

That I should just start standing on my two feet and keep walking.

I wish it was as easy as that.

Part of this package, seemed to be suicidal thoughts.

I had my first suicidal thought when I was 11, I sat at the ledge of the window on the 11th floor, and thought about jumping down.

But I am sane, I know it’s the most stupid thing to think of, people can stop telling me that.

I want it to stop too, but it just keeps flooding me.

All the possibility of death, how people are going to react, how everything would become so much better once I’m gone.

It’s not fun to have these thoughts, you know, I don’t enjoy it.

I know how foolish it is, I know that I mustn’t do it.

But they don’t stop, no matter how sane I am.

My teacher once told me I’m overly sensitive because I spoke out for myself when he misunderstood what I think when I made an expression.

I hate getting called that.

I don’t want to trouble people with my problems, I don’t want to become a nuisance for the people around me.

Sometimes I feel that it’s wrong to have emotions, that everyone in this world should always only have positive emotions, and those with any hint of negative emotion is the problematic one.

I don’t want to explain to them why I’m feeling this way, and only to be told I’m overly sensitive and need to get myself back together.

Because I want that more than anyone in this world, I want to be ‘normal’ again, to not have suicidal thoughts, to not cry in the middle of the street for not reason at all.

I hope I get out of this soon.

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One Response to “I Think I Have Minor Depression”

  1. Juri Amari Says:

    Hey Zakito,
    I totally understand where you’re coming from. I sometimes get these feelings time to time and it can be rather confusing how to deal with it. There may be no straightforward cause to these feelings.
    However, just because they have no cause doesn’t mean they’re wrong. Allow yourself to feel fully but make sure it doesn’t swallow you up. Then establish something stable whether it’s a routine, talking with your friends & family, or even a professional/spiritual leader. Even if it’s just a list of your favorite things, anything to pick yourself up helps. Nobody has the right to judge because everybody needs help in one way or another.
    I love your posts and I hope this tidbit helps. I wish you the best.
    ❤ Juri (TM)


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