The Garden Filled With Weeds

Movie Reviews, ACG and Cosplay Discussion, or just any rambling topics that come to my mind.

I Think I Have Minor Depression January 12, 2014


I didn’t go to a psychiatrist, I don’t know is it actually necessary.

It’s not completely unfamiliar to me, I’ve been through things like this in the past.

The first time I realise I might have a minor depression is when I heard people talking about it on the TV, and I seemed to have matched quite a number of the symptoms.

It’s not like something big happened in my life, no one was hurt, I didn’t lose anyone, I didn’t completely ruin anything serious, or have anything serious ruined for me.

Life is pretty peaceful and normal, nothing to freak out anyone.

A moment ago I was still hanging out with my friends, the next, right after I left them, I start to cry on the bus.

I can blame it on stress, but I know it’s probably not just that.

It might have started when some people I believed were my friends in school left me for another new group of friends.

Might have started when a huge problem came up in my assignment at the very last minute before submission.

Might have started when I did not get what I want in school, while other people have gotten it with ease.

This feels like being pulled into quicksand, sometimes I feel like I’m out of it, sometimes I feel like I’m being pulled back into it, it’s not exactly consistent.

The biggest problem with this, is that I have no idea how to explain it to people.

People could come up to ask me ‘what’s wrong’, while I myself don’t have an absolutely certain answer.

Even if I told them all the reason I thought could be causing this, they are just going to sound trivia.

I’m afraid of being called overly sensitive.

People telling me I’m just bad at coping with stress.

That I’m just making a big fuss out of small matters.

That I should just start standing on my two feet and keep walking.

I wish it was as easy as that.

Part of this package, seemed to be suicidal thoughts.

I had my first suicidal thought when I was 11, I sat at the ledge of the window on the 11th floor, and thought about jumping down.

But I am sane, I know it’s the most stupid thing to think of, people can stop telling me that.

I want it to stop too, but it just keeps flooding me.

All the possibility of death, how people are going to react, how everything would become so much better once I’m gone.

It’s not fun to have these thoughts, you know, I don’t enjoy it.

I know how foolish it is, I know that I mustn’t do it.

But they don’t stop, no matter how sane I am.

My teacher once told me I’m overly sensitive because I spoke out for myself when he misunderstood what I think when I made an expression.

I hate getting called that.

I don’t want to trouble people with my problems, I don’t want to become a nuisance for the people around me.

Sometimes I feel that it’s wrong to have emotions, that everyone in this world should always only have positive emotions, and those with any hint of negative emotion is the problematic one.

I don’t want to explain to them why I’m feeling this way, and only to be told I’m overly sensitive and need to get myself back together.

Because I want that more than anyone in this world, I want to be ‘normal’ again, to not have suicidal thoughts, to not cry in the middle of the street for not reason at all.

I hope I get out of this soon.

 

Why I am Against Victim Blaming August 23, 2013


Just a while ago, this article got viral, and several users on Facebook had been sharing it, and just so happen that an elder adult shared it, and added the comment ‘girls should dress in proper attire, it confuses others when you dress less than a prostitute’.

It’s not his exact words, but as a female myself, I had to defend the females in such situation, I used the most respectful and reasonable way to express out why I disagree with him, but he refused to take it any of the things I say, and another elder adult even came forward and claimed I was being disrespectful to this elder.

But no, I just felt strongly over a social issue, one that I can relate to, one that cannot be fully understood, unless if you’re a girl, who had been sexually assaulted.

I was molested twice on the MRT train.

Both times, I was wearing sport shorts(not the FBT kind, longer than that), thigh highs and calf boots.

Those who know me personally, would know that I often wear T-shirt and jeans, that’s like my never-changing style.

I was  younger, I wanted to try something new, wear something new, I wanted to look prettier, which girl doesn’t? Which female in this world say things like ‘I want to look uglier’?

In fact what I was wearing, showed not much skin, but it still happened.

The first time I was with my friends, and when the men rubbed his penis against my hips, I was in such a shock and fear that I could barely move.

I could only run away.

The second time, I tried to get over what happened, and put on the same outfit again, and when I got onto the MRT train, a man reached his hand up my thigh.

Once again, I ran away.

From then on, I’ve almost never wore shorts, unless if I really need to exercise, and even so I would immediately change back to my jeans afterwards.

Until now I’m still in a confused state, is it really because I wore too little? Or is it the fault of those who cannot control their own urges?

One of the things I defended against the elder, was that the context of proper differs in different countries, so how do you define it? Is it not of the basic human rights to wear whatever they like, rather than being restricted to just one thing, one style, one color?

Which he later said, “So much for education is one don’t even know what is proper in the context of where they live”

To be frank, this sentence he said was a lot more offensive and disrespectful towards me as a human being than anything else I had said towards him.

Every person in this world, in different places has a different definition of proper.

An old grandmother or grandfather would think showing arms or legs is not proper, but we tell them ‘you’re being old fashion’, and just ignored their input.

A youth would think showing a little bit of skin is fine, but adults would still cringe and call her a ‘slut’, and ignored her input in this argument.

Is there a meter like this, that everyone should follow?

So what is proper? Is it just a person’s very own opinion, or is it really something the nation had widely decided?

The argument of proper clothing, should not be related to sexual assault, at all.

I would not have felt so strongly towards what this elder had said, if it wasn’t because he linked his comment to the article, which was talking about victim blaming.

The entire time, I kept repeating my stand, ‘sexual assault is sexual assault, no matter what the victim was wearing, sexually assaulting her is a crime, and whether the victim is wearing very little or not, does not affect whether is the crime any less sinful.’

The argument about whether girls should dress in proper attire or not, should be a separate issue, instead of linking it to this one.

“I don’t believe anyone deserve to be raped, BUT…”

The moment anyone add ‘but’, they are contradicting themselves.

Because nobody deserves to be raped, or sexually assaulted.

No buts, it ends there.

Sexual assault is wrong, stop defending the offenders, stop giving them reasons for their action, because one day, that lady being sexually assaulted, could be your daughter, your sister, your wife or even mother.

And the world might agree with you, it is their fault, not the offender’s fault.

How would you feel?

This post was written for me to express my own opinion, none of the other people mentioned in this post is involved, they are merely here for me to get my point across, there is a high chance they may be fictional character I created just to show an example.

No other personnel are involved, except me myself and I.

Cheers~ ^_^

 

Why Being Tall Sucks June 5, 2013


It’s pretty ironic that right after writing a blog post about loving yourself, I publish another post about why I hate certain things about myself.

95% of the people around me seem to think that being tall is a gift.

I won’t completely deny that, at times, being tall does benefit me a little.

But it’s definitely not as good as some people imagine it to be.

And here’s why.

1.No one is considerate for the tall

When they build public transports, they always worry about the handgrip being too tall for some.

They never thought about those handgrip hitting tall people right in the face.

I swear, every time I get on public transport, my head would be attacked by those handgrip repeatedly.

If anyone was ever considerate towards tall people, they’d know that this is a terrible idea.

But no one did.

Everyone only worried about the shorter ones not being able to reach what’s up there, but never thought about anything that might be too low for taller ones to reach.

2.”You must be strong”

There’s this very common stereotype for tall people, if you’re tall, you must have more strength than others.

I don’t know how they got this logic, because I absolutely suck at every sport you can name, I have the worst stamina imaginable, and I occasionally have health issues like chest pain.

They also think we’re emotionally stronger, which is also false for me.

Since young, I’ve been that kid who will cry at anything, even not being able to tie my shoelace.

Nowadays, I would cry, if you show me a penguin waddling about, and play some dramatic music, with Morgan Freeman’s voice explaining the hardship of being a penguin, I’d cry a river in less than three seconds.

3.”You look fierce”

Perhaps it’s just me, but having a tall and wide frame made me look very threatening most of the times.

Many of my friends had told me that they thought I was a fierce person, seem really unfriendly and unapproachable.

Of course, after getting to actually know me as a person, they realised that I was the complete opposite of those(I hope).

Occasionally, this can be a good thing, bullies tend to avoid you, some would choose not to take advantage of you, and other annoying things that happen to friendly looking people can be avoided for us.

But this can also be a huge problem when you’re entering a new environment and need to make friends with new people.

4.FOR GIRLS – Finding a boyfriend

This point can be deemed as invalid, because my boyfriend happens to be 5cm shorter than me.

But perhaps not all tall girls are as lucky as me, so I’m still writing it down.

I never thought that this was such a big problem, until last year my lecturer for one of the modules mentioned it in our human anatomy class.

“All girls want to find a guy taller than them.”

My face literally went ಠ_ಠ , because at that point of time I am already dating my boyfriend, and I do identify myself as a ‘girl’, so it was really weird for me having to hear him repeat that sentence for at least three times.

But I won’t say that this point isn’t true, we all have our own list of preferences for people we wish to date, and some of us will have the height requirement on the list.

5.It’s hard to miss us

If you’re an extrovert I suppose this is a good thing for you, but if you’re like me, who happens to be hopelessly introverted, this is the worst thing that could possibly happen to you.

Like point 3, this can be beneficial at times when your friends lose you in the crowd, you naturally just stand out and they get back to you.

But standing out can be bad when teachers are asking questions, or when they want to pick a volunteer.

Those times when you just want to be an audience, but they had to pick you out to demonstrate something you believe doesn’t need your help at all.

Those days in school when your teachers scan across the class and you happen to be tall and popping out even though you’re trying your best to camouflage.

By now you should have realised that this isn’t exactly a very serious post, because as a matter of fact, I do like my height, I don’t exactly want to change anything about it(and I can’t).

It’s just one of those small issues which everyone else thought was 100% positive, but only the ones to experience it would know the negative things about it.

I also have friends, who are slightly below the average height, always telling me they wish to be taller, while at the same time, I’ve always wished to be shorter.

So in a way, you can say that this post  is meant for all the people out there who wished to be taller, to know that being tall isn’t exactly a good thing, and being short definitely have benefits that tall people can’t enjoy.

While at the same time, my fellow tall comrades, don’t fret, there’s got to be a reason why people are envious of us, even if we haven’t found out why, we eventually will, because really, we can’t do shit about our height, shorter ones get to wear high heels and insoles, we have nothing, we’re stuck like this, so we might as well embrace it rather than crying in our sleep about how unfair God is.

 

Apparently, My Handwriting Sucks May 25, 2013


Growing up there’s always those few things people kept telling you about yourself, things they thought you don’t know and don’t realise, and they need to take up the role of the hero to remind you about it.

For me, those things were:

1.My height

2.My hair length

3.My pale skin tone

4.My handwriting

The first three was pretty much fixed on me, so whenever someone mentions it, I’ll just smile and agrees, yes I am pretty tall, has really long hair, and I am indeed pretty white for an Asian… But when it comes to my handwriting, sometimes I had to disagree.

The story goes like this.

I came to Singapore at the age of 8, my English level was as low as you could possibly imagine, and it’s hard to pick up writing and speaking a new language in a whole new environment that you’re unfamiliar with.

From primary 1 to primary 5, I could still agree with others that my handwriting is indeed pretty terrible, and I always tried my best to improve.

Then during primary 6, when my form teacher, who I still highly respects even till today, mentioned to the entire class that I have terrible handwriting in a pretty harsh tone, it sort of damaged my confidence.

The fact that some bullies in class picked it up and rubbed it in me whenever they wish to bully me didn’t help the situation.

(Long story short about the bullies, I ran to the toilet and cried, then when I got out of the toilet, the situation was reversed and I fought back to them, throwing their papers all over the place and made a mess in the class with all their worksheets, from then on they never dared to bully me again.)

That incident grew into me, and till now, I still can’t forget how damaging it was to my self confidence.

Reason being, I didn’t think my handwriting was THAT bad at that point of time.

My teacher also often praised this classmate of mine, who writes like a robot.

I could never understand how is her tiny boxy handwriting nice, perhaps it was neat, but personally it was an absolute pain to read them.

Many people always mentioned about one thing, ‘You can tell a person’s personality from their handwriting’.

This logic always makes me wonder, exactly what sort of handwriting represents a positive personality?

Is it wrong to write with your own style? Expressing yourself? Or should we all write like robots, with accurate measurement of every letter fitting perfectly onto the paper?

I get extremely defensive of my handwriting as I grew older, whenever teachers mention to me about my handwriting, I just smile and nod, but never actually took in the advice.

Now that I think about it, if they really wanted writing assignments that’s perfectly legible, why not just request for us to type it out and print it?

You know, after reading so much, why not I just show you guys my handwriting, and let you be the judge?

Forgive my lousy phone camera

Yes, I know, some of you are gonna cringe and tell me, ‘your handwriting is pretty bad’.

But you know what, I’m proud of it, I call it cursive, how many people nowadays still writes in cursive?

It’s a personal identity, even if it’s messy to some people, I personally love it.

Just like how we compare Merida and Rapunzel, Merida has hair that looks like she’s having bad hair day all day all night, while Rapunzel looks like she’s got hair that never ever tangles.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore them both.

Most of you probably cringe at Merida’s hair and pray for Rapunzel’s hair, but when you take away Merida’s crazy curls… She’s no longer the same Merida we know.

She will lose a very distinct trait about herself, we’ll no longer see her the same way as before.

We all have that one or few things that no one else appreciates, but we ourselves is absolutely in love with it.

Be it the length of your lashes, the way your hair curls, how you stand… the little things that only you notice.

We all need those things, to feel more like… ourselves.

People always tries to define what is better than the other, what is perfect, such as logic like big eyes are good and small eyes are bad, sharp chin, V-shaped face…

As a result we see beauty pageant contestants looking exactly like each other.

This is why I always hate it when people tell me that I look like or act like someone, even if it doesn’t offends me, but it takes away my exclusive personal identity.

It’s the same with what they’re doing to my handwriting, telling me I should follow a ‘good example’, and become just like them, taking away my form of expression to fit into their definition of good.

So no matter how many times people tell me that my handwriting sucks and I should improve, I’m never gonna change it, even if I ever change it, I’ll let it happen naturally, it flows and goes, nothing forced upon my right hand.

And you, my friend, should also find that few things you’re absolutely stubbornly in love with yourself.

 

The Female Body Size and Confidence Issue – From Guys’ POV? February 20, 2013


Note: I’m not gonna bother to censor any of their names, when you post a comment on a public page, jolly well expect it to be public else where too. I’ll only censor names when conversations are held in a place the other party expect it to be private, like a private chat, or facebook profile.

You can actually consider this to be just a rant.

You can also skip down directly to my opinions on such issues, and ignore this long argument.

Just a while ago, I got into this argument with a guy on the Singapore Poly’s confession page, about whether a fat person love and respect themselves.

Here’s the original confession,

 

Of course, being the Aries I am, I posted a reply.

Some people try to defend the person’s thinking, but I countered it either way.

Then this guy came in, his thinking is almost identical to the person who posted the confession.

My reply.

This guy continued to counter me, but in a way which I believe religious people would.

Then I gave my final reply because at the end of the day, all these argument provided for me was running in circles, just the same thing over and over again.

—————————————————————————————————————————

I really wish I could speak like TheAmazingAtheist, have a good quality camera, and do this on Youtube instead.

First and foremost, they are guys.

To all my male readers out there, if you’re a guy, don’t try to act like you understand girls well enough.

Because you almost never will, and unless if you’ve been inside the brain of each and every girl on this planet, don’t try to act as though you do.

You can understand the few girls that you’ve dated, your sister, mother, or even grandmother, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

There are times even girls do not understand ourselves, but we see through things females do a lot easier than you can.

What seem confident about a girl to you? How much skin she dares to show?

Let me tell you, the more a girl flaunt her body, the less confident she is.

How is that even possible?

Because she’s fishing for you compliment, she wants to flaunt it so as to feel loved and wanted.

Surprising huh?

A true confident lady don’t need to flaunt anything, she don’t need to show her body to you to prove that she’s confident, confidence is an attitude, not an action.

Now moving on to fat pride.

Almost everyone on the comment section assumed that I’m fat… Well I can’t exactly say am I fat or not, but for those of you who had seen me in real life, you can be the judge.

I’m not thin or fit, that’s for sure.

The people on the comment section kept repeating one thing, which is, ‘Fat people have no self love and self respect, they don’t love their body’.

How do you love your body? Love itself is very abstract.

Let me use an apple as an example. I love this apple, so, am I gonna eat it, or not? Because I love it, but love it as in, eating it? Or preserving it and hugging and and taking care of it?

That’s the giant flaw in their argument, how can you define how another person love something else.

A person love his or her body because she simply love and accept everything of themselves, or a person love his or her body because they’re taking care of it?

I hate arguing about abstract things, such as God.

Because there’s no basis to what you’re saying, no real life example, no hard solid evidence which I can counter.

You’re giving me a thinking, an ideal, like making me a castle in the sky, and expect me to jump onto it.

The entire time, these guys were trying to tell me what sort of girls attract them.

Guess what, I don’t give a fuck.

The other guy even tried to do it on a personal level, by telling me I’m unattractive to him.

Guess what, I don’t give a fuck.

I have a boyfriend, so why the fuck do I care? As long as he loves me for me, he thinks I’m attractive, I’m not gonna give a shit to what other guys think.
(Which is the direct evidence my previous post about weight and size issues is valid, the opinion of someone we love is way more important than a stranger’s)

It’s funny, because throughout my argument, I’ve never said anything like, “you should date fat girls, you should be attracted to them’.

The entire time, I was trying to explain that every living human being can have self love and self respect, regardless of their size, race, age, sexual-orientation, anyone can love themselves, why are you saying these people don’t?!

Simply because they don’t follow your lifestyle? They’re not like you?

So can I say that, a guy who takes half nude pictures of themselves and post it online have no self love and respect for himself? Because that’s exactly what he did.

I clicked on his profile, and I see himself taking half nude pictures of himself.

I’m gonna say, you have no self respect for your body because you’re showing it to the entire world.

But no, that’s just my opinion, I can’t force it on you.

In fact that’s not even my opinion, for those of you who still don’t realise it, I’m simply using it as an example.

Yet the entire time, they’re trying to tell me, oh I love a girl who train herself, who lift weights, who stay fit.

Yeah, so the fuck what? I didn’t mention no shit about girls you’re attracted to, you can say, you love girls with D cup boobs, and I won’t give a single fuck.

Because that’s your opinion, something I won’t even bother trying to control or change, why would I? Who are you to me? Not like you’re my 12 year old daughter falling in love with a pedophile.

Actually, I do understand why they keep mentioning it, they’re trying to seek reassurance from me, try to get me to say, ‘yeah those girls are the best, fat chicks are not worthy, everyone should date fit chicks’.

You, my dear reader, should know that I won’t.

I adore fat people, I adore them, I adore how chubby and nice it is to hug them, I fucking love it when they have poise and pride, when they’re happy to be who they are.

I adore fit people, I adore their dedication, I adore how they can be the perfect anatomy model for my drawing assignments, I love the determination in their eyes to reach their own personal goals.

One last thing that got me very annoyed is that, these guys thinks that, if a girl is fit, she must be really confident, if a girl is fat, she must have no confidence at all.

Now, if you’re a guy, let me lead you to explore the female brain a little, if you’re a female, let’s just review on this thing we can all agree on.

99.9% of the females on this planet, are not 100% happy with themselves.

Which brought about the famous Dove advertisement, that told all the ladies, you’re beautiful for who you are, and don’t think otherwise.

If you don’t know about it, here’s a video.

Dove realised one thing, most ladies aren’t happy with themselves, they want to become someone else, usually someone on TV, or megazines, someone who they believe is perfect.

No matter how fit, skinny, plump, fat, tall, short a girl is, they won’t be happy with themselves.

If you think that the lady in a club, her make up is perfect…

Have you ever think about this, why is she wearing make up then? If she’s confident about herself?

If she work out, is she really trying to stay fit, or just because someone told her they don’t have her size for a beautiful dress she saw in a shop?

This is one thing most guys always don’t understand, females are like that, and if your girlfriend ever ask you, is she fat?

Don’t, don’t you dare, don’t you ever tell her, ‘yes’.

The answer is always NO.

Unless if you want to cripple her confidence for the rest of her life, and make her hate herself.

Anorexia and bulimia exist for a reason, people die from it, our society is hard on us, and yet these guys are still trying to tell girls, ‘you’re fat, go work out, if not I won’t even giving you a second look’.

You’d be surprised how many people agreed with the confession, liked it, shared it, hailed the guy who posted the confession as a hero.

You don’t ever, EVER talk about a girl’s size like that, and act like you’re justified.

There are girls, who have the BMI that is considered underweight, who STILL think they’re fat.

And here you are, saying, ‘fat chicks don’t deserve my second look’.

Did you know that, girls who consider themselves as fat, aren’t limited to just girls who are overweight?

Even skinny girls will cry about how they think they’re fat, even the fit girls might feel like they’re not ‘fit’ enough.

The dream girl these guys are looking for, is a mere 0.01% of the entire female population, and might become extinct if these guys continue with their attitude.

I believe those guys barely knew much about love, and you might agree or disagree with me.

But if you love someone, and they grow fat, if you’re giving them up simply because of that, no, you don’t love them.

Love is beyond superficial things like looks or money, love is a choice you make.

You choose to continue loving that person, no matter what they become, no matter whether do they lose a leg or completely have their face ruined, you love them anyway, and never give them up.

That is love, despite the fact I’m a non-religious person, I have a huge respect for the Roman Catholic marriage vow, which is the following.

“I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”

In good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, that is love, not something like, ‘the moment you grow fat, I’ll want to give you up’.

No, that’s not love, that’s just attraction.

That’s end of this long post about somethings in life I just can’t agree with, sorry if you hated it, thank you if you loved it.

Also terribly sorry for my long absence, I’m being honest here, was REALLY busy with school, barely even had time to sleep, but right now it’s my holidays, and I hope I can squeeze more blog posts out of myself.

 

 
%d bloggers like this: