The Garden Filled With Weeds

Movie Reviews, ACG and Cosplay Discussion, or just any rambling topics that come to my mind.

I Think I Have Minor Depression January 12, 2014


I didn’t go to a psychiatrist, I don’t know is it actually necessary.

It’s not completely unfamiliar to me, I’ve been through things like this in the past.

The first time I realise I might have a minor depression is when I heard people talking about it on the TV, and I seemed to have matched quite a number of the symptoms.

It’s not like something big happened in my life, no one was hurt, I didn’t lose anyone, I didn’t completely ruin anything serious, or have anything serious ruined for me.

Life is pretty peaceful and normal, nothing to freak out anyone.

A moment ago I was still hanging out with my friends, the next, right after I left them, I start to cry on the bus.

I can blame it on stress, but I know it’s probably not just that.

It might have started when some people I believed were my friends in school left me for another new group of friends.

Might have started when a huge problem came up in my assignment at the very last minute before submission.

Might have started when I did not get what I want in school, while other people have gotten it with ease.

This feels like being pulled into quicksand, sometimes I feel like I’m out of it, sometimes I feel like I’m being pulled back into it, it’s not exactly consistent.

The biggest problem with this, is that I have no idea how to explain it to people.

People could come up to ask me ‘what’s wrong’, while I myself don’t have an absolutely certain answer.

Even if I told them all the reason I thought could be causing this, they are just going to sound trivia.

I’m afraid of being called overly sensitive.

People telling me I’m just bad at coping with stress.

That I’m just making a big fuss out of small matters.

That I should just start standing on my two feet and keep walking.

I wish it was as easy as that.

Part of this package, seemed to be suicidal thoughts.

I had my first suicidal thought when I was 11, I sat at the ledge of the window on the 11th floor, and thought about jumping down.

But I am sane, I know it’s the most stupid thing to think of, people can stop telling me that.

I want it to stop too, but it just keeps flooding me.

All the possibility of death, how people are going to react, how everything would become so much better once I’m gone.

It’s not fun to have these thoughts, you know, I don’t enjoy it.

I know how foolish it is, I know that I mustn’t do it.

But they don’t stop, no matter how sane I am.

My teacher once told me I’m overly sensitive because I spoke out for myself when he misunderstood what I think when I made an expression.

I hate getting called that.

I don’t want to trouble people with my problems, I don’t want to become a nuisance for the people around me.

Sometimes I feel that it’s wrong to have emotions, that everyone in this world should always only have positive emotions, and those with any hint of negative emotion is the problematic one.

I don’t want to explain to them why I’m feeling this way, and only to be told I’m overly sensitive and need to get myself back together.

Because I want that more than anyone in this world, I want to be ‘normal’ again, to not have suicidal thoughts, to not cry in the middle of the street for not reason at all.

I hope I get out of this soon.

 

Being Imperfect August 17, 2012


Just yesterday(and today) I had a terrible argument with my boyfriend, because he commented that my body size is plump and that he prefers skinnier girls.(which he later realise it was a misunderstanding because he misheard me, but the plump part remains)

Now I have already raged at him and made him regret what he said.

But it made me reflect on somethings.

Every single human being on this planet, would have one or two things they’re unhappy about themselves.

But we know it ourselves too, that we’re suppose to accept who we really are.

It’s easier said than done though.

Before my boyfriend made the comment, I was actually happy with who I am.

I knew I wasn’t perfect of course, but I didn’t mind it that much.

I could walk down the street without feeling ashamed of having a hip that’s way too big, or having my stomach fats showing sometimes when I sit down.

I walk around school everyday seeing girls who have perfect figures, girls who look astonishingly beautiful, but all those didn’t affect me much at all.

I used to believe that unhealthy dieting is wrong, and anorexia/bulimia shouldn’t be promoted or encouraged.

However everything I stood for changed when I heard the comment he made.

The point of this post is not to degrade him, it isn’t even about him, but it’s about me, us, people who are imperfect.

Remember that time when a friend told you about how he/she think he/she’s not good enough? And you tell him/her, accept you for who you are?

It is only when you were pushed into his/her position, then you realise how hard that is.

The media had told us that people have to be skinny to look good, every celebrity looks fucking perfect…

They’re the unattainable goal, and we always want to reach there someday.

After hearing his comments, I wanted to starve myself, do all sorts of stupid stuff because it was really a big blow to my self confidence.

You see, people don’t become anorexic for nothing, it must have been something that made them that way, and that something is the fact everyone is telling them your body is not good enough you need to lose some pounds.

During the contemporary issues lesson we had in school, our teacher told us about size 0 models and how the society is thinking that being thin is better than fat.

Then I went on to research about it, and I found this tumblr blog.

When I looked at it back then I was astonished, this girl is already at her healthy BMI yet she wants to be underweight, I couldn’t understand.

However, now I could.

The owner of the blog had once received a comment from a close friend regarding her weight, and since then she just couldn’t do it and had to make herself lose weight to feel better.

There were many thoughts going through my head after my confidence was crushed, I wanted to go through all the unhealthy methods I heard about losing weight, I wanted to become one of those attention whores I despised and show off my body if I ever did lose weight.

Then a friend told me, “You’re better than that.”

Of course, I despised attention whores, I never supported the idea of unhealthy dieting, but at that moment I became desperate.

The desperation of wanting to become socially acceptable and attractive was overpowering.

I was raised in a family which doesn’t criticize each other’s looks, my mom always told me I was beautiful, she never comments on my weight and always tells me I’m fine.

It’s not the typical Asian families you hear of in stereotypical articles or books.

I remember when I was younger, I was really fat.

A bit less than now but considered really fat.

And all the boys in my class made fun of me, even my crush at that age.

For some reason that didn’t really affect me, perhaps because they aren’t anyone important to me.

There was once when I was dressed in cosplay and a friend commented “nice stomach” sarcastically, and that didn’t bother me too, because he isn’t anyone important.

But when someone important in your life tells you that you aren’t the best in their eyes, things get pretty serious.

When I said I wanted to become an attention whore, it’s not because I am one, but because I kinda feel like these attention people will give me will be able to boost my confidence and I will start to feel happy again.

I mean look at JNig, she gets boys loving her just because her two ladies are always saying hello to the world.

Unfortunately I wasn’t born that lucky my assets aren’t as awesome as her’s.

However when my friend told me that I’m better than that, I agreed, and it made me brush off that idea.

No matter how unconfident I am, if I want people’s respect and not treat me like nothing other than two round sack of fats, I shouldn’t go that way.

I am better than that, I actually have a sense of humour and I actually want people to pay attention to what I have in my mind.

Well still I haven’t given up on the idea of losing a few pounds, after all it is for the greater good, I have a lot of cosplays that won’t look good with that huge lower body of mine.

Maybe not the unhealthy way, but I’ll work on it.

Sorry if this post seems like a rant and too personal to be interesting, I just hope it helps some people who are going through the same thing.

 

 
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