The Garden Filled With Weeds

Movie Reviews, ACG and Cosplay Discussion, or just any rambling topics that come to my mind.

I Think I Have Minor Depression January 12, 2014


I didn’t go to a psychiatrist, I don’t know is it actually necessary.

It’s not completely unfamiliar to me, I’ve been through things like this in the past.

The first time I realise I might have a minor depression is when I heard people talking about it on the TV, and I seemed to have matched quite a number of the symptoms.

It’s not like something big happened in my life, no one was hurt, I didn’t lose anyone, I didn’t completely ruin anything serious, or have anything serious ruined for me.

Life is pretty peaceful and normal, nothing to freak out anyone.

A moment ago I was still hanging out with my friends, the next, right after I left them, I start to cry on the bus.

I can blame it on stress, but I know it’s probably not just that.

It might have started when some people I believed were my friends in school left me for another new group of friends.

Might have started when a huge problem came up in my assignment at the very last minute before submission.

Might have started when I did not get what I want in school, while other people have gotten it with ease.

This feels like being pulled into quicksand, sometimes I feel like I’m out of it, sometimes I feel like I’m being pulled back into it, it’s not exactly consistent.

The biggest problem with this, is that I have no idea how to explain it to people.

People could come up to ask me ‘what’s wrong’, while I myself don’t have an absolutely certain answer.

Even if I told them all the reason I thought could be causing this, they are just going to sound trivia.

I’m afraid of being called overly sensitive.

People telling me I’m just bad at coping with stress.

That I’m just making a big fuss out of small matters.

That I should just start standing on my two feet and keep walking.

I wish it was as easy as that.

Part of this package, seemed to be suicidal thoughts.

I had my first suicidal thought when I was 11, I sat at the ledge of the window on the 11th floor, and thought about jumping down.

But I am sane, I know it’s the most stupid thing to think of, people can stop telling me that.

I want it to stop too, but it just keeps flooding me.

All the possibility of death, how people are going to react, how everything would become so much better once I’m gone.

It’s not fun to have these thoughts, you know, I don’t enjoy it.

I know how foolish it is, I know that I mustn’t do it.

But they don’t stop, no matter how sane I am.

My teacher once told me I’m overly sensitive because I spoke out for myself when he misunderstood what I think when I made an expression.

I hate getting called that.

I don’t want to trouble people with my problems, I don’t want to become a nuisance for the people around me.

Sometimes I feel that it’s wrong to have emotions, that everyone in this world should always only have positive emotions, and those with any hint of negative emotion is the problematic one.

I don’t want to explain to them why I’m feeling this way, and only to be told I’m overly sensitive and need to get myself back together.

Because I want that more than anyone in this world, I want to be ‘normal’ again, to not have suicidal thoughts, to not cry in the middle of the street for not reason at all.

I hope I get out of this soon.

 

Why Being Tall Sucks June 5, 2013


It’s pretty ironic that right after writing a blog post about loving yourself, I publish another post about why I hate certain things about myself.

95% of the people around me seem to think that being tall is a gift.

I won’t completely deny that, at times, being tall does benefit me a little.

But it’s definitely not as good as some people imagine it to be.

And here’s why.

1.No one is considerate for the tall

When they build public transports, they always worry about the handgrip being too tall for some.

They never thought about those handgrip hitting tall people right in the face.

I swear, every time I get on public transport, my head would be attacked by those handgrip repeatedly.

If anyone was ever considerate towards tall people, they’d know that this is a terrible idea.

But no one did.

Everyone only worried about the shorter ones not being able to reach what’s up there, but never thought about anything that might be too low for taller ones to reach.

2.”You must be strong”

There’s this very common stereotype for tall people, if you’re tall, you must have more strength than others.

I don’t know how they got this logic, because I absolutely suck at every sport you can name, I have the worst stamina imaginable, and I occasionally have health issues like chest pain.

They also think we’re emotionally stronger, which is also false for me.

Since young, I’ve been that kid who will cry at anything, even not being able to tie my shoelace.

Nowadays, I would cry, if you show me a penguin waddling about, and play some dramatic music, with Morgan Freeman’s voice explaining the hardship of being a penguin, I’d cry a river in less than three seconds.

3.”You look fierce”

Perhaps it’s just me, but having a tall and wide frame made me look very threatening most of the times.

Many of my friends had told me that they thought I was a fierce person, seem really unfriendly and unapproachable.

Of course, after getting to actually know me as a person, they realised that I was the complete opposite of those(I hope).

Occasionally, this can be a good thing, bullies tend to avoid you, some would choose not to take advantage of you, and other annoying things that happen to friendly looking people can be avoided for us.

But this can also be a huge problem when you’re entering a new environment and need to make friends with new people.

4.FOR GIRLS – Finding a boyfriend

This point can be deemed as invalid, because my boyfriend happens to be 5cm shorter than me.

But perhaps not all tall girls are as lucky as me, so I’m still writing it down.

I never thought that this was such a big problem, until last year my lecturer for one of the modules mentioned it in our human anatomy class.

“All girls want to find a guy taller than them.”

My face literally went ಠ_ಠ , because at that point of time I am already dating my boyfriend, and I do identify myself as a ‘girl’, so it was really weird for me having to hear him repeat that sentence for at least three times.

But I won’t say that this point isn’t true, we all have our own list of preferences for people we wish to date, and some of us will have the height requirement on the list.

5.It’s hard to miss us

If you’re an extrovert I suppose this is a good thing for you, but if you’re like me, who happens to be hopelessly introverted, this is the worst thing that could possibly happen to you.

Like point 3, this can be beneficial at times when your friends lose you in the crowd, you naturally just stand out and they get back to you.

But standing out can be bad when teachers are asking questions, or when they want to pick a volunteer.

Those times when you just want to be an audience, but they had to pick you out to demonstrate something you believe doesn’t need your help at all.

Those days in school when your teachers scan across the class and you happen to be tall and popping out even though you’re trying your best to camouflage.

By now you should have realised that this isn’t exactly a very serious post, because as a matter of fact, I do like my height, I don’t exactly want to change anything about it(and I can’t).

It’s just one of those small issues which everyone else thought was 100% positive, but only the ones to experience it would know the negative things about it.

I also have friends, who are slightly below the average height, always telling me they wish to be taller, while at the same time, I’ve always wished to be shorter.

So in a way, you can say that this post  is meant for all the people out there who wished to be taller, to know that being tall isn’t exactly a good thing, and being short definitely have benefits that tall people can’t enjoy.

While at the same time, my fellow tall comrades, don’t fret, there’s got to be a reason why people are envious of us, even if we haven’t found out why, we eventually will, because really, we can’t do shit about our height, shorter ones get to wear high heels and insoles, we have nothing, we’re stuck like this, so we might as well embrace it rather than crying in our sleep about how unfair God is.

 

Apparently, My Handwriting Sucks May 25, 2013


Growing up there’s always those few things people kept telling you about yourself, things they thought you don’t know and don’t realise, and they need to take up the role of the hero to remind you about it.

For me, those things were:

1.My height

2.My hair length

3.My pale skin tone

4.My handwriting

The first three was pretty much fixed on me, so whenever someone mentions it, I’ll just smile and agrees, yes I am pretty tall, has really long hair, and I am indeed pretty white for an Asian… But when it comes to my handwriting, sometimes I had to disagree.

The story goes like this.

I came to Singapore at the age of 8, my English level was as low as you could possibly imagine, and it’s hard to pick up writing and speaking a new language in a whole new environment that you’re unfamiliar with.

From primary 1 to primary 5, I could still agree with others that my handwriting is indeed pretty terrible, and I always tried my best to improve.

Then during primary 6, when my form teacher, who I still highly respects even till today, mentioned to the entire class that I have terrible handwriting in a pretty harsh tone, it sort of damaged my confidence.

The fact that some bullies in class picked it up and rubbed it in me whenever they wish to bully me didn’t help the situation.

(Long story short about the bullies, I ran to the toilet and cried, then when I got out of the toilet, the situation was reversed and I fought back to them, throwing their papers all over the place and made a mess in the class with all their worksheets, from then on they never dared to bully me again.)

That incident grew into me, and till now, I still can’t forget how damaging it was to my self confidence.

Reason being, I didn’t think my handwriting was THAT bad at that point of time.

My teacher also often praised this classmate of mine, who writes like a robot.

I could never understand how is her tiny boxy handwriting nice, perhaps it was neat, but personally it was an absolute pain to read them.

Many people always mentioned about one thing, ‘You can tell a person’s personality from their handwriting’.

This logic always makes me wonder, exactly what sort of handwriting represents a positive personality?

Is it wrong to write with your own style? Expressing yourself? Or should we all write like robots, with accurate measurement of every letter fitting perfectly onto the paper?

I get extremely defensive of my handwriting as I grew older, whenever teachers mention to me about my handwriting, I just smile and nod, but never actually took in the advice.

Now that I think about it, if they really wanted writing assignments that’s perfectly legible, why not just request for us to type it out and print it?

You know, after reading so much, why not I just show you guys my handwriting, and let you be the judge?

Forgive my lousy phone camera

Yes, I know, some of you are gonna cringe and tell me, ‘your handwriting is pretty bad’.

But you know what, I’m proud of it, I call it cursive, how many people nowadays still writes in cursive?

It’s a personal identity, even if it’s messy to some people, I personally love it.

Just like how we compare Merida and Rapunzel, Merida has hair that looks like she’s having bad hair day all day all night, while Rapunzel looks like she’s got hair that never ever tangles.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore them both.

Most of you probably cringe at Merida’s hair and pray for Rapunzel’s hair, but when you take away Merida’s crazy curls… She’s no longer the same Merida we know.

She will lose a very distinct trait about herself, we’ll no longer see her the same way as before.

We all have that one or few things that no one else appreciates, but we ourselves is absolutely in love with it.

Be it the length of your lashes, the way your hair curls, how you stand… the little things that only you notice.

We all need those things, to feel more like… ourselves.

People always tries to define what is better than the other, what is perfect, such as logic like big eyes are good and small eyes are bad, sharp chin, V-shaped face…

As a result we see beauty pageant contestants looking exactly like each other.

This is why I always hate it when people tell me that I look like or act like someone, even if it doesn’t offends me, but it takes away my exclusive personal identity.

It’s the same with what they’re doing to my handwriting, telling me I should follow a ‘good example’, and become just like them, taking away my form of expression to fit into their definition of good.

So no matter how many times people tell me that my handwriting sucks and I should improve, I’m never gonna change it, even if I ever change it, I’ll let it happen naturally, it flows and goes, nothing forced upon my right hand.

And you, my friend, should also find that few things you’re absolutely stubbornly in love with yourself.

 

Things I Wanted But Glad Did Not Buy September 22, 2012


All of us definitely had been through this before, the temptation of wanting to buy something, yet at the same time, you’re unsure of whether will it be a right choice later on.

It may not apply to rich people, but for most of us, it is a huge dilemma.

So a few days ago, I’ve got an idea to list out all the things that I’ve wanted to get, but is glad I did not.

1.DSLR Camera


This might seem surprising, but I actually have a slight interest in photography.
I even went to the extend of really researching on the price of an average DSLR camera, the models, and stuff like that.
However, as you could probably guess, the price was not exactly that affordable, so I just decided that maybe not now.
After sometime, when I think back, I’m actually pretty glad I did not give in to the temptation and get that camera.
Reason being, after actually studying about photography and videography, I realised that this just isn’t my thing.
All the functions, the settings, it’s too confusing for me.
So yeah, so glad.

 

 

2.Ball-Jointed Dolls

For those of you who are not familiar with what this is, these are actually really pretty dolls that you can move their joints and change their body parts, clothes and wigs/hair, even make up.
Don’t associate them with Barbie dolls because you can’t develop feelings and affection for Barbie dolls.
They’re so pretty that I really really wanted one.
Just like the DSLR camera, BJDs are really expensive, and hard to take care of.
After thinking through, I realised that I’m really not the figurine/dolls type of person who can put in so much effort to make them look good, and just feel happy by having them.
I high respect all my friends who own BJDs, because I can see how much time and effort they had put in, and how much they love them, so yeah, I really respect that.
At the same time, I know I can’t do the same.

 

 

 

3.Tablet PC

This was when I really wanted to be able to draw on the computer, to be able to do digital painting.
Same old problem, too expensive, hard decision to make, left it hanging for a while and realised that I really didn’t need it that much.
I already have two laptops(One of them is a Macbook, don’t judge me school forced me to get it), and I’m not even that good doing traditional drawings yet, so getting a tablet PC would be a total waste of money and resources.

 

 

 

 

4.iPad


Similar to the tablet PC, however the temptation only came to me when I saw the announce of the first iPad.
I saw the introduction on Apple’s website, and thought that the iPad is such an awesome tool and I totally need.
As usual, the price frightened me, and so I went to research on whether is it really worth it.
Honestly speaking the article I read back then made me pretty bored, but in the end I still didn’t get it.
After a few years, one of my best friends obtained an iPad from a business partner of her father, and I played around with it for just 5 minutes and decided that I totally didn’t need this.
What a relief I had, to find out that I didn’t spend the precious money on something I actually really didn’t need.

 

 

5.Playstation/Xbox


When I was younger, the two consoles were just so damn attractive to me.
They’re like Playboy magazine cover girls for teenage boys to me.
That was when I was REALLY young, like…. 10?
When I saw the console in an electronics store, I begged my mom to buy it for me.
Being the kind mother my mom is, she usually wouldn’t deny any requests from me unless if she really can’t do it.
Yes, it was too expensive, and so my mom just comforted me and led me away.
Now that I think back, I realised that my love for games is already satisfied by computer games and GBA/NDS games.
I really didn’t need the Playstation or Xbox, and some of my friends who have it can just let the whole bunch of our friends go to their house and play it TOGETHER.
Which is better than getting the console by myself and be forever alone and play all the games alone.
Yeah.

 

6.Japanese Lessons


Okay this is something I’m glad I did not choose to take/learn.
Actually I do really want to learn Japanese, and it was on my mind for like, a decade?
But if you’re like me, who still makes a lot of errors in English, already starting to suck in my mother tongue(Chinese), studying a new language might not actually be a good choice.
Especially when I have no plans to go to Japan at all, I can rely on translation groups when I read Manga or watch Anime.
I’m already struggling with my own studies(well usually before the deadlines are near), Japanese lessons will probably make my life a lot harder and I’m not sure whether am I ready for that stress.
I’m a coward, sue me.

 

 

 

 

7.Diet Pills

Let’s face it, most girls think that they’re fat, and it’s proven that I am pretty fat according to Asian standards.
I’m about 66kg and 169cm tall. My BMI is 23.1, which is normal, but it used to be just 20.
You can imagine how depressed I was when I noticed my weight gain, and so desperate measures(I hate exercising), I wanted to get diet pills.
Compared to other things, they’re pretty damn expensive, and so I just left the idea there for a while and forgot about it.
Now that I think back, not getting it is the right choice(I suppose), I don’t even know whether will it 100% work on me, and if it doesn’t, I would have spent the money for nothing.

 

 

These are all I can think of at this moment, I’ll make a part 2 next time when I remember more.

I might even do a ‘Things I Regret Buying’ post next time.

Do comment about things you’re glad you did not buy too.

 

 
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